I think it may be difficult to write from a lighthearted place this month as it feels that my mental health has been taking a hit recently. I often wonder if i'm leaning into others expectations of me once i'm aware how i'm being perceived. It often feels two dimensional/black and white and I wonder whether it's just easier for the a person to assign a simple reasoning to why someone is in the situation they're in. I do feel like i've been cursed somehow, perhaps not in the literal sense of any kind of witchcraft but I just feel this overwhemingly negative will towards me and at times it does feel supernatural. Though I would argue that harboring those feelings towards another person ultimately has the same result.
I've started going jogging again after a long stint, I stopped after I realised I could be at risk of developing a shin splint which is why I stopped running in my early 20s. I'm trying to take a slower approach this time around so my legs and body have sufficient rest time between the jogs. It's only early days but it seems to be working and I have noticed the incremental improvements in stamina each time I go out. Hopefully I can keep this up as i've been struggling to keep up the walking each day. In other health news i've managed just over 9 weeks now without vaping. In the past week the desire to start up again has at times felt overwhelming but fortunately I have managed to avoid it. It does suck though, it seems like everything I used to enjoy or things I did to try and relax or cope are out of reach to me for various health reasons.
Continuing with the grumpy scrooge like vibe i'm aware we're getting closer to Christmas. Which unfortunately over the years has become the hardest time of year for me for a few reasons. It has nothing to do with the religious meaning of the holiday but more in terms of personal social expectations and not being able to deliver on it. It's also become a time where I reflect on my current situation and seeing others effortlessly enjoying the time makes can make it more difficult. I don't hold it against anyone however.
Out of a sort of desperation with my ongoing home situation I have started looking at the possibility of wild camping around Scotland in the near future. It's been a place i've wanted to go for a long time and there isn't really anything stopping me if I approach it this way. I just need to do more research, planning and make some small investments into equipment before I give it a trial and see whether I will be able to deal with the various challenges of spending much of my time alone, isolated and without a lot of home comforts. I may have more to say on this sooner rather than later.
I have got another domain I used to use back online with a webserver and I am somewhat planning and thinking about the function of it. I do want it to have a filesharing nature but I have a few ideas on novel approaches on how it will be ultimately presented and also shared. Alongside that I intend to make a companion phone application for an interface in that regard. It seems at this time of the year I seem to become more focused on programming type projects.
Anyway if you made it to the end I appreciate you taking the time and understand it may have been difficult to do so. All the best, Howard.
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